1. “Well, crying’s good. It prepares you for life. The more often I see children crying, the more often I think, “That’s gonna be a healthy adult.” That’s what life is all about. There’s a lot of crying involved. So you’d better cry now and get used to it.”
2. “Whenever I ask myself, “Why go on?” I must answer, “Why not.” Miracles do happen.”
3. “I want to have a child. I really do. I think about it every day—and every day I change my mind.”
4. “Things that sound like a good idea at first, but really aren’t
A. Taking a shower with someone.
B. Pet sitting.
C. Pie eating contests.
D. A mud bath followed by a shiatsu massage.
E. Having somebody read to you.
1. Reading to someone else.
F. Writing a book.”
5. “High heels should be outlawed (at the very least there should be a five-day waiting period before you can buy them). They destroy your feet. It should be mandatory that the Surgeon General print a warning label on high heels like they do on a package of cigarettes (i.e., Warning: These shoes can lead to lower back pain, aching toes, and the illusion that you’re taller than you actually are).”
6. “And remember, don’t let anyone—not me, not even the great pasta chefs of Europe!—tell you how you should look.”
7. “I don’t have a worst enemy or even a best enemy. I’ve never taken the time to rank my enemies. I’m afraid of hurting somebody’s feelings.”
8. “I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, and they say, “Because it’s such a beautiful animal.” There you go. Well, I think my mother’s attractive, but I have photographs of her. “Wasn’t Mom pretty? She had great legs, too. They’re in the next room, come on.””
9. “I do believe, though, that most animal testing is improper. If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything wrong? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if some perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts.”
10. “But getting back to my original point, dolphins are incredibly intelligent. They have a highly developed cerebellum, are able to learn complex tasks, and have been known to help swimmers in distress. So what do we do to reward this intelligence? We capture dolphins to put in marine shows. (Not the U.S. Marines, but water parks. I don’t even know if the U.S. Marines put on shows. Well, there was Gomer Pyle, I guess.) It’s kind of like saying, “Boy that Albert Einstein sure is smart. We should have him in a show. I wonder if he would put on a tutu and jump through a ring of fire.””
11. “I think I realized, even at an early age, that the real beauty of pets is that they love you unconditionally. All they would like in return is a bit of attention and some food. And, the food doesn’t even have to be that good. It could just come out of a can.”
12. “Oddly enough, when somebody does something nice, nobody ever says, “Go to Heaven!” I guess that’s because a person would have to die before they went to Heaven. Saying “Go to Heaven” is like saying “Drop dead” but with a positive spin.”
13. “Here’s what I’m really trying to say: If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions, by what we do.”
14. “There are certain songs you just know have parts where there aren’t any real lyrics, because nobody can figure them out even after hearing the song over and over and over again. For instance, that Aretha Franklin song “Respect.” Everybody gets the part: “R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” But what follows is anybody’s guess. To me it’s either “Da cha, te ee cee tee. Ho!” or “Something about a tee-pee. Ho!” But then everybody is back on board with “Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.””
15. “When we’re inside an elevator we feel we have to look above us at the floor numbers changing, as if it’s by the force of our will that the elevator is rising.”